Longing
by Goldilocks 92
Summary: Behind his snarling exterior, Severus Snape's emotions are in turmoil thanks to a certain beautiful Gryffindor... One Shot, inspired by the song "Creep".


**Author's note: ****This is my first try at writing fanfiction, so I hope you enjoy it! I discovered Hermione/Snape fanfiction only recently, but have been reading it nonstop since (while unfortunately ignoring all of my essays)! This was first uploaded as the start of a series, but I decided it worked better as a one-shot! I'm planning on starting a series soon though! **

**This story is set after the war and Hermione has returned to school to finish her NEWTS. It was inspired by, and includes, Radiohead's "Creep" which I listened to incessantly while writing the story!**

**Please review! Otherwise I have no idea whether or not anyone likes it! Enjoy!**

_When you were here before_

_Couldn't look you in the eye_

Snape shuddered as soon as Hermione left the room. It had taken all of his power not to fall on his knees and declare his love for her right then and there, in a classroom full of students. Not only had she been his only student ever to brew the Amortentia potion correctly her first try, but when he had smelled the potion to find out whether or not it was perfect, her smell, amplified a thousand fold, had hit him, hard. His knees had weakened, his heart started pounding and he found himself growing hard. Hermione had been the only one to notice his sudden discomposure and seemed to be looking at him questioningly, but he couldn't meet her gaze. "Class dismissed", he had snarled, glaring at everyone but her.

_You're just like an angel__  
><em>_Your skin makes me cry _

_You float like a feather__  
><em>_In a beautiful world_

That evening, Snape sat in the dining hall, ignoring Flitwick's incessant chatter. His emotions were in turmoil as he watched a certain, laughing group at the Gryffindor table. A candle was behind Hermione, making her hair look as if it was glowing, a halo protecting her brilliant mind, her gentle heart, her soft beauty. What he wouldn't give to hold her, to caress her pure, soft skin... Her laughter floated up to the top table, standing out above all the other sounds in the great hall, and gripped his heart. And then she turned her face upwards, towards him. No. At him. Their eyes met and his heart stopped. He felt like he was suffocating. She smiled at him, and at that moment the world seemed beautiful, for the first time in his life.

_I wish I was special__  
><em>_You're so fucking special_

Then she turned from him, towards her friends, towards Ron, he realised with an attack of jealousy. She was laughing. Laughing at him? The irrational voice in his mind suggested. But he knew she had no reason to. She could have no idea of his infatuation, his... love. He kept a blank, stern expression at all times, regardless of the emotional tumult going on behind the facade. If only he were younger, kinder, better looking... if only he was special. Like her. God, she was so fucking special. She could do anything with her life, she could have anyone. She could do better than him. And that broke his heart. He abruptly stood up and left the dining hall, shooting a glare at Hermione's table. After he was gone his mind registered the look of surprise, then hurt, on her face as she caught his disdainful glance.

_But I'm a creep__  
><em>_I'm a weirdo_

That night he dreamed of her. He dreamed of her smiling over him, of her kissing him, of her caressing him. He woke up gasping, hard, desperate. Ashamed. She's a student for fuck's sake! No, she's not just a student; she's a pure, innocent student who helped save the Wizarding World. He had no right to want her, to love her. He was no better than all the men who sent her fan letters, begging her for a date. He was just like them. He was a creep. He was a weirdo.

_What the hell am I doing here?__  
><em>_I don't belong here_

Snape left the dungeons to take a walk in the dark grounds, the light mist cooling him down, allowing him to collect his thoughts. This was unhealthy, staying at Hogwarts, love-struck like some teenager. What the hell was he even doing there? The timely arrival of the phoenix at the shrieking shack had given him another chance to live his life, another chance to start afresh, and yet he had decided to stay at Hogwarts where he was no longer required to stay by his two former, now dead, masters. His skills in potion making far exceeded the requirements for a teacher; he could put his skills to better use discovering new potions, for example. Potter no longer needed protecting. He had repaid his debt to Lily. He needed to move on from Hogwarts. He didn't belong there.

_I don't care if it hurts__  
><em>_I want to have control_

He needed to leave. It would be painful. Merely the thought of leaving the Castle he had called home for most of his life stung inside. No, that wasn't it. It was the thought of leaving _her_, of never seeing her again, which pierced his heart. God, it hurt so much. But he had to be strong. He had to move on. He couldn't care that it would hurt; he needed to regain control over his dreams, his emotions, his life.

_I want a perfect body__  
><em>_I want a perfect soul_

Perhaps one day he would see her again, and she would be able to see him in a different light, no longer her teacher. As if that would ever happen, he thought. He was ugly, disfigured, covered in scars which would forever remind him, and anyone who saw him, of the war everyone was trying to forget. Even worse, he had lost his soul. Of that he was sure. It didn't matter that he had been a spy, that everything he had done had been done for the greater good, he had tortured, maimed, killed. He had singlehandedly shredded his own soul to pieces. To even think of going anywhere near the innocent purity that was Hermione Granger would be sacrilege. He would be hated forever, _she _would hate him forever...

_I want you to notice when I'm not around__  
><em>_You're so fucking special__  
><em>_I wish I was special__  
><em>

That was decided then. He was leaving as soon as he could, at the end of the first term. Would she miss him? Would she even notice? Or would she be relieved? Perhaps she had noticed him staring and it was disturbing her... But, God, please let her notice, _please _let her care that he was gone. He had, after all, been her teacher for seven years. Snape suddenly noticed a movement in one of the tower windows and immediately recognised Hermione's form looking out of the window. She looked as if her mind was far away, a look of longing on her face. God, she was so special to him, he had never felt this way before, not even with Lily... if only she could reciprocate, if only he could be a fraction as special to her as she was to him.

_But I'm a creep__  
><em>_I'm a weirdo__  
><em>_What the hell I'm doing here?__  
><em>_I don't belong here_

Once again, self disgust consumed him. He had noticed how thin her nightdress was, how beautiful her figure was, slender and full at the same time. He was consumed with desire. He felt like an old pervert, spying on his young student through her window. He sank to his knees in despair and desperation. What the fuck was he doing there? He had to leave.

_She's running out the door__  
><em>_She's running out__  
><em>_She runs runs runs_

Then suddenly he heard a bang. It was the door leading outside from the Gryffindor tower, and there she was, running out of the door, her hair and her nightdress streaming behind her, a look of desperation and determination on her face. Snape was frozen in shock, he couldn't move, couldn't stand up, couldn't run towards her and hold her like he was desperate to do. Their eyes locked und Hermione ran even faster until finally, finally, she had reached him. She threw herself around his shoulders, out of breath and kept saying "you fell, you fell" and then changed to "but you're ok, you're ok" and then she was kissing him with passion and abandon. Snape barely had time to realise that she must have seen him sink to his knees before he was responding just as desperately as she was. Her lips were so warm and soft and yet they were attacking him so fiercely, he felt like he was about to explode. "Hermione" he moaned and she took the opportunity to explore his mouth with her tongue until his own tongue rose to meet hers and invaded her mouth, running along her perfect teeth. Suddenly he broke away, panting, staring at her with shocked, wild eyes. That's when he noticed the tears that were pouring down her face. "Severus" she cried, with happiness, he realised, "Severus, kiss me".

_Whatever makes you happy__  
><em>_Whatever you want_

Severus himself was near tears, for the first time in years, and whispered to her "Whatever makes you happy, Hermione" and leaned forward to kiss her again, this time gently, lovingly, barely caressing her mouth with his own. "More" she sighed; "Whatever you want" he replied and kissed her again, this time harder. He pressed her backwards until they were both lying in the wet grass, surrounded by mist, holding and kissing each other slowly, crying and laughing at the same time. When they both surfaced, gasping, Snape had to ask, had to find out, "why", he whispered.

_You're so fucking special__  
><em>_I wish I was special__  
><em>

"I need you, I want you, I can't stand not being near you" she replied simply, honestly. "Why" he whispered roughly, holding her closer. "You're so fucking special" she whispered, "I wish I was special".

_But I'm a creep__  
><em>_I'm a weirdo_

"Oh, God, Hermione, you are so special" he groaned, kissing her then breaking off again. "But I'm old, I'm ugly... I'm a creep".

_What the hell am I doing here?_

"Oh Severus, of course you're not. If you were, what the hell would I be doing here, in your arms?" To emphasise her point Hermione held him even closer to her, kissing his neck, stroking his back.

_I don't belong here_

"I don't belong here" Severus tried again, trying to ignore the wonderful things Hermione was doing to him.

_I don't belong here_

"Then neither do I" whispered Hermione. "I belong with you, wherever you are is my home. I love you Severus."


End file.
